Even seeking to hurt your spouse in a physical way.Losing the ability to consider consequences for actions.Losing the rational component of brain functioning that enables a person to think clearly and logically.Having an experience that exceeds healthy anger.Looking at the rage response more specifically, some of the criteria for rage include: It’s such a blow to a person that it becomes a shattering event. This is all due to the trauma that frequently comes with betrayal. Your spouse may experience other negative effects of trauma such as forgetting important parts of the traumatic event, exaggerating negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world, distorted blame of self or others, detachment or estrangement from others, inability to experience positive emotions, lack of interest in activities, or globally negative experiences of fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame. Quite often, a betrayal becomes a traumatic event, even causing many of the symptoms of PTSD. Regardless of how much denial is occurring, it does not affect the severity of the impact on the betrayed spouse. As a result, they tend to mentally turn the dial down on what the anticipated consequences will be. They do this by denying and minimizing their actions in their mind. Often, a betraying spouse wants to justify their actions and the way they may have gone against their values with those actions. The severity of a spouse’s response to betrayal can come as a surprise to the betraying spouse. Understanding Trauma and PTSD from Betrayal Since a marriage is usually grounded on what was seen to be a reliable foundation of trust, when that foundation is shattered by betrayal, this significant breakdown in one’s foundation is often experienced as a threat to survival. Furthermore, anger is a common response to events that seem unfair or to circumstances that set you up to be a victim of the choices of others, especially a situation like a betrayal event. Anger helps a person survive by shifting their focus toward doing the things necessary for survival. In all fairness, when anyone is faced with an extreme threat they will often respond with anger. One of the most prominent negative emotions is anger, or even rage. According to researcher MeowLan Chan (2009) “Typical responses to betrayal include: retaliation, reduction in trust, distrust or suspicion, increase in monitoring, negative emotions (e.g., anger, disappointment, frustration), deterioration in the quality or even termination of the relationship, withdrawal of effort and cooperation within the relationship, and demand for more legalistic forms of trust as substitutes for interpersonal trust.” These reactions affect both your spouse and your relationship. When a person is betrayed, there are a lot of potential responses that often come in waves and in varying degrees of intensity. Today we are going to look at why anger is a normal part of responding to betrayal, where it comes from, and how to best support your spouse in the face of it. In our experience in working with couples, many people who are working through their own infidelity and trying to recover their marriage find that they aren’t sure how to respond to this rage or what to do with it. If you have betrayed your spouse and disclosed that betrayal to them, one thing you will have become very aware of is the rage that betrayal can cause.
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